Current Album: Thin Lizzy "Jailbreak"
I had a short Reiki session yesterday. In my day of quiet reflection and hiding around Buffalo, I had the opportunity to see a Reiki healer. I didn't even think twice about it, I confidently marched right up, sat down and opened myself up to this complete stranger. My last session was at least 5 plus years ago when my accu-pressure therapist decided to switch to Reiki healing for a trauma, and I was sold ever since. For those astrology buffs out there, this is the year of my Saturn return. This year, astrologically, will set in place the rest of my adult life. Given the realizations of late and my astrological situation, this opportunity to see an energy healer was a no brainer - I had to go.
There's part of me that is still a naysayer, who can't believe I'm falling for this "hippy bullshit". I'm not a religious person by any means any more, But I can't deny that there is energy and power in this world much bigger than myself. Call it what you want, call it God or golden calf or goddess, I won't subscribe to any doctrine but I'm continually amazed at the diagnosis these spiritual healers i go to come up with.
This time, apparently, my third eye is blind. Yep, just like the band. Or rather blinded. She told me I have some very strong energy blocks and that I am and emotional sponge - but only for all the negative energy around me, i reflect it apparently, even though I may not necessarily feel it. Has this been the reason I've been confronted about not smiling enough my entire life? I used to just tell people that "thats just my face, its not that I'm actually mad/sad/upset". She also asked me if I had any digestive issues. Which, as some, and now all of you, know, I have Crohn's Disease. Apparently, the worst of my energy blocks is in my gut. This is the same thing I was told 5 years ago, before I was even diagnosed with the disease. My reflection and absorption of this negative energy has located itself at my core, in my gut. She worked her magick and weather psychosomatic or not, afterward I felt significantly better, a little more balanced, she gave me some tips on meditation, some mantras to chant to myself when I'm aware of my negative energy spongyness and sent me on my way.
On the car ride home I reflected on this experience coupled with my determination to find satisfaction, and perhaps let the universe and the return of my Saturn help me lead this path. When my fellow witchy lady friends invited me over for some Fire Cupping and wine, it was as though the universe was slapping me across the face. Step one into finding satisfaction is internal and it has to begin with healing myself both physically and spiritually. I know this, I've heard this before, I have just never listened.
This morning I'm at an amazing balance of energy (and the knots in my back are finally gone!) I feel stronger than I have in months and I'm ready to tackle the next step.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A sip or a spoonful won't do, cause I want it all.
Current Album: M. Ward "Poison Cup"
Im currently visiting home. The place that I have dreamed about, idealizing and placing on a pedestal for the past 7 months. I yearned for this place with a lover's ache. I ran through the paths of my memory to try and recall the smells and sounds, people's voices, skylines, anything and everything that I could possibly remember. What I actually need to remember is my expectations are always significantly higher than reality and I'm left wondering what has made me so insatiable. I can't seem to find satisfaction anywhere I turn. I'm left wanting so much more than what is at my feet. I was ready to kiss this ground when I got off the plane, until I remembered this ground is filthy, there's trash in every crevice and possibly a hypodermic needle or two. My friends who at their core are so beautiful my heart almost bursts thinking about them are riddled with pain and sorrow and drowning in waves of disappointment. These nights out feel like a liquid cure, not a celebration as I had imagined them.
Where did these expectations come from? I've heard and read that when the body goes through a major trauma, like childbirth or injury, with enough time, your mind forgets the worst of the pain, eases you into thinking if these things happen again, you'll survive, "it wasn't that bad". I wonder if I'm going through a similar emotional trauma. Am I being shrouded by something not allowing me to remember the worst of the situation I came from?
I was confronted a few hours after I arrived by someone who perhaps was the first person in a long time to be bluntly honest with me and made me realize that not only am I not remembering the whole story of where I came from and my surroundings but also of the person I was in these surroundings, and gave me a grim glimpse of what I am like to those from the outside looking in.
I had yet to accept the calm and ease that has come with my new life. The early nights in bed leading to early mornings awake, the true quiet, the beauty that I have slowly been allowing to become less awesome. The sheer simplicity of the everyday. Its not that my current home isn't giving me enough, I'm not allowing myself to be satiated by it once again. So here begins another journey, to allow myself to be satisfied by whats at hand, to see the holistic reality of my surroundings myself, to accept the good with the terrible and the person I was, I am and the person I hope to become.
Im currently visiting home. The place that I have dreamed about, idealizing and placing on a pedestal for the past 7 months. I yearned for this place with a lover's ache. I ran through the paths of my memory to try and recall the smells and sounds, people's voices, skylines, anything and everything that I could possibly remember. What I actually need to remember is my expectations are always significantly higher than reality and I'm left wondering what has made me so insatiable. I can't seem to find satisfaction anywhere I turn. I'm left wanting so much more than what is at my feet. I was ready to kiss this ground when I got off the plane, until I remembered this ground is filthy, there's trash in every crevice and possibly a hypodermic needle or two. My friends who at their core are so beautiful my heart almost bursts thinking about them are riddled with pain and sorrow and drowning in waves of disappointment. These nights out feel like a liquid cure, not a celebration as I had imagined them.
Where did these expectations come from? I've heard and read that when the body goes through a major trauma, like childbirth or injury, with enough time, your mind forgets the worst of the pain, eases you into thinking if these things happen again, you'll survive, "it wasn't that bad". I wonder if I'm going through a similar emotional trauma. Am I being shrouded by something not allowing me to remember the worst of the situation I came from?
I was confronted a few hours after I arrived by someone who perhaps was the first person in a long time to be bluntly honest with me and made me realize that not only am I not remembering the whole story of where I came from and my surroundings but also of the person I was in these surroundings, and gave me a grim glimpse of what I am like to those from the outside looking in.
I had yet to accept the calm and ease that has come with my new life. The early nights in bed leading to early mornings awake, the true quiet, the beauty that I have slowly been allowing to become less awesome. The sheer simplicity of the everyday. Its not that my current home isn't giving me enough, I'm not allowing myself to be satiated by it once again. So here begins another journey, to allow myself to be satisfied by whats at hand, to see the holistic reality of my surroundings myself, to accept the good with the terrible and the person I was, I am and the person I hope to become.
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