A sip or a spoonful won't do, cause I want it all.

Current Album: M. Ward "Poison Cup"

Im currently visiting home. The place that I have dreamed about, idealizing and placing on a pedestal for the past 7 months. I yearned for this place with a lover's ache. I ran through the paths of my memory to try and recall the smells and sounds, people's voices, skylines, anything and everything that I could possibly remember. What I actually need to remember is my expectations are always significantly higher than reality and I'm left wondering what has made me so insatiable. I can't seem to find satisfaction anywhere I turn. I'm left wanting so much more than what is at my feet. I was ready to kiss this ground when I got off the plane, until I remembered this ground is filthy, there's trash in every crevice and possibly a hypodermic needle or two. My friends who at their core are so beautiful my heart almost bursts thinking about them are riddled with pain and sorrow and drowning in waves of disappointment. These nights out feel like a liquid cure, not a celebration as I had imagined them.

Where did these expectations come from? I've heard and read that when the body goes through a major trauma, like childbirth or injury, with enough time, your mind forgets the worst of the pain, eases you into thinking if these things happen again, you'll survive, "it wasn't that bad". I wonder if I'm going through a similar emotional trauma. Am I being shrouded by something not allowing me to remember the worst of the situation I came from?

I was confronted a few hours after I arrived by someone who perhaps was the first person in a long time to be bluntly honest with me and made me realize that not only am I not remembering the whole story of where I came from and my surroundings but also of the person I was in these surroundings, and gave me a grim glimpse of what I am like to those from the outside looking in.

I had yet to accept the calm and ease that has come with my new life. The early nights in bed leading to early mornings awake, the true quiet, the beauty that I have slowly been allowing to become less awesome. The sheer simplicity of the everyday. Its not that my current home isn't giving me enough, I'm not allowing myself to be satiated by it once again. So here begins another journey, to allow myself to be satisfied by whats at hand, to see the holistic reality of my surroundings myself, to accept the good with the terrible and the person I was, I am and the person I hope to become.